Ten Holy Week Tips to Let Go of Ego in a Moment or Two

By Dr. Russ

Throughout his ministry, Jesus, proclaimed over and over that new life was possible here on earth if we let go of our worldly, ego concerns, and follow Him.  What does it mean to follow Him? 

• Think of yourself as a servant to others;
• Put the needs of others above your own;
• Find your personal cross to bear in service of making the lives of other’s better.

Please bear with me as I wax a little “utopian.”

• Imagine a world in which everyone was trying to put the other and not themselves first.  We would all then be first because as we hold everyone else up, we are mutually supported as well.  We no longer have to worry about, “what will happen to me,” because everyone has “our back” just as we have theirs.

Such a world may seem impossible, but in my opinion, such a vision is what Jesus meant when He said we could have the “Kingdom of Heaven” here on earth. 

As we celebrate Holy Week, I offer these ten tips to move your life in the direction that vision of the “Kingdom” here on earth.

1. Take time away from others for meditation and self-reflection about how ego concerns are playing out in your life. 
2. Ask yourself, “What is important about these concerns?”  You will often find some specific or general sense of low esteem driving the concern.  The ego is feeling low and weak and looks for an artificial way to build itself up with worldly concerns.
3. The hardest place to let go of ego concerns is within a relationship when we spend more time worrying about whether the other is or is not meeting our needs as opposed to what we are doing to meet theirs.
4. Make a list of 3-5 actions you can take to please another today.
5. No matter how simple or mundane you think your job is, think about you can redefine it as contributing to a higher cause, outside yourself.
6. Turn your ego concerns over to God.  Put your trust in Him and He will keep the ego protected.
7. Once you turn your ego over to God, you are free to think creatively and without inhibition of fear of risk taking.
8. Everyone was expecting the Messiah to come with a conquering sword, someone who would save and protect them.  God sent Jesus with only one sword, eternal love.  God and Jesus were telling us that we didn’t need a sword dripping in blood to protect our ego.  They told as that we didn’t need that kind of protection because if we had faith in Jesus and followed in His loving footsteps, ego concerns simply drift away like a thick fog that burns off by noon under the brightness of the Son.
9. As you give a daily prayer of thanks to God for His love and forgiveness, note how your ego protective concerns just fade into the background.
10. If you find yourself intolerant and unaccepting of another or others, in any given moment, time to step back and ask, “What about this person, who is different from me, is threatening my ego?”   Acceptance and tolerance can only come from an ego that is rich in the spirit of concern for the welfare of others above oneself.

Ride the Optimism Train and Cut Fear Out of Your Life!

Is fear standing between you and the goals and dreams you have for yourself? Cut the fear out of the picture and soar with optimism!

This week in our Podcast of Optimism, Jackie recaps her trip to Colorado, including the cross-country train ride she took and all of the colorful people she met.

Along the way, Jackie got to know and hear the stories of everyday people that had gotten over fear in order to set out and explore, reconnect, and achieve great things!

Click here to listen in and hear from Dr. Russ on how to let go of fear in order to live the most optimistic life possible!

Why do we struggle with having self-worth?

We were taught from an early age to look for self-worth in the wrong places. 

First wrong place: Outside ourselves to external sources of prestige and status embodied in material stuff; the type of car, the house, and the and whiz- bangedness of the latest electronics.  We heard, “Johnny is really cool because he has the latest z-box game” or whatever else is the latest video game rage.   

Second wrong place: To having more ability at something than someone else. Who can run the fastest, hit a baseball, spell more accurately, and finish the math quiz faster are common social comparisons learned beginning in elementary school.  Further, these comparisons are reinforced by parents and teaching practices that involve the public display of academic performance and rank on classroom walls.

Third wrong place: Here on earth only and not for and in the Kingdom of Heaven.

All three wrong places to look for self-worth share the characteristic of social comparison.  In the first case we are looking for self-worth by seeing if we have more and better stuff than someone else. In the second, we are concerned about whether we have more of some valued ability than another.  In the third, we compare ourselves to God and conclude we are the source of self-worth, not Him. 

This social comparison approach to establishing self-worth undermines worth in five key ways:

1. It takes away our control over our self-worth because no matter how much stuff we have, how big a mansion we live in, or how many servants we have, someone will always have more.  No matter how skilled or able we are at something, someone else will always come along who is faster, more accurate, or flexible.  In this mentality, as soon as someone bests us, our self-worth takes a hit.
2. It fosters the belief that abilities are stable entities, not acquired through work and practice.  For example, most of us were falsely taught that intelligence is a stable trait given at birth.  Yet we now have good evidence that children taught that intelligence is a fluid, not static, thing that can be improved upon with hard work and practice actually do better in school and on standardized national tests.
3. It sets us up to focus on ego-protection.  Ego-protection motivates us to avoid taking risks that might diminish our image, wealth or ability rating.  Ego-protection motivates us to avoid looking bad, so we may shy away from challenges and tasks that are difficult; the very tasks we need to take on for learning and self-confidence building.
4. It sets us up to focus on ego-enhancement.  Ego-enhancement motivates us to at least look good if we can’t be good.  We take on easier rather than harder challenges, not unlike the college football team that pads its schedule with “cup-cake” opponents in order to finish higher in standings and rankings. 
5. When we take responsibility for self-worth rather than turning it over and trusting it to God, we make ourselves vulnerable to having our self-worth stolen or taken from us.  For example, we have heard from too many women and men who after being sexually abused as children or adolescents gave up on themselves, said to themselves they no longer had worth or a life worth living.  If we believe only we are the source of our own self-worth then it can be taken by someone more powerful.  But, if we believe God is the source, then no human can take it as God is all powerful, and God accepts us as worthy through his grace as soon as we accept Him into our hearts.



The Pernicious Power of Pessimism

If so many people are looking for more optimism, then why are they wallowing in pessimism?  Pessimism is a state of hopelessness and helplessness, of negative expectations.  We ask, why would anyone choose to stay in a state of pessimism?  But, that is exactly what millions of individuals do everyday. So we ask, what is the holding power of pessimism over people?  Why can’t we just shrug off a negative thought in a moment?  What keeps us stuck on it for so long?

According to psychologist Martin Covington, pessimism is empowered by a set of interrelated beliefs that underlie a psychological mindset of self for the purpose of ego protection.  In this mindset, a person says to himself:

• If I expect to fail, and I fail, I cannot be disappointed.
• If I expect to fail, and I succeed, I am pleasantly surprised.
• If I predict the worst case scenario and it happens, I am neither surprised nor disappointed.
• If the worst case scenario does not happen, I am neither disappointed nor surprised, and instead satisfied with the thought that one can never be too careful.

What is the problem with this pessimistic mindset?  When we have such negative expectations, the possibility and probability of success is diminished increasing the likelihood that we will fail because we just do not put forth the same effort associated with a positive expectation.  This negative mindset is based on the assumption that it is better to have never tried than to have tried and failed; even worse would be trying and failing a second time or over and over.  The underlying belief here is that failure is damaging to the ego and self-worth.  Simply put, if we do not try, our ego is protected and there is no real risk of failure. 

Thus, while negative expectations are counterproductive to success, they may serve to protect an ego that is fraught with the fear of failure.  Psychologist Carol Dweck has found that from an early age, children are taught at home and school that self-worth is associated with either having high ability, or avoiding the appearance of having low ability.  Children who consistently find their name at the top of the spelling chart learn they are more worthy than those in the middle or the bottom.  Students in the middle or bottom work hard to manage the impression that they are not stupid. The simplest way to accomplish that goal, is to deny having tried.

Children who are told, “Oh you are good at reading or writing or arithmetic" come to view their self-worth as an entity composed of various abilities.  This entity view of self-worth, according to Dweck, fosters fear of failure precisely because one does not want to lose the entity, and any failure or perceived failure is a threat to the entity.

A life built on the entity view of self-worth, is one that is lived with constant anxiety that worth can be diminished, lost, or even stolen.  Even those born with superior talent in math, athletics, music, or political skill find themselves expending extraordinary energy to protect the entity. 

The best protectors of the entity are the pessimistic mental guards always looking out for a threat to the entity.  Risk taking, challenges, and opportunities are all perceived threats because anyone of them could lead to failure and a diminished entity.  Thus, pessimism draws its extraordinary power from its perceived role to protect the entity view of self-worth.

Does Ego Get in the way of Your Communication and Relationship Optimism?

By Dr. Russ,

Optimism is enhanced by the absence of ego from our self-worth and the absence of ego from our communication with others.  Here is an example of what I mean. 

A friend of mine recently inquired: “Dr. Russ – How can I communicate more effectively with my fiancé?”  He explained that while they dearly love each other they are still having unhealthy and emotionally draining arguments over minor and sometimes really petty things.

The Problem of Ego

He gave me the example of how he might express some negative or critical feelings about something her family said to him.  He explained that he felt hurt and unfairly criticized, even “put down.” But, when he brings up his hurt feelings to her, she gets upset with him and then he feels attacked.  It is clear from the description that his fiancé also felt attacked because she took the criticism of her family as a criticism of her and as a threat to her ego.  Pessimism is the only result of such an interaction.

Ego-Detached Communication

I explained to him that they were both letting their egos get in the way of effective communication and their happiness in the relationship.  I said the key is to remove the ego from the communication.  Here are some suggestions that I made.

1. Use ego-detached communication.  Instead of saying, “I felt hurt when your parents compared my profession to low life in a polluted body of water,” try to communicate with a detached ego and say, “I am wondering what your parents meant when they said most people in my line of work are equivalent to “pond scum.”
2. Admit to your ego sensitivity and reactivity. Describe your ego-involvement and then communicate with ego-detachment.  Begin with a description of your ego involvement: “When your parents started talking about their past experience with the low life of my profession, the hair on the back on my ego’s neck started to stand up.” Then explain you are trying to keep your ego in check and see what they might have meant by saying:  “I am telling my ego to chill out because I can’t imagine they would be talking about me like that.  I am wondering what they were trying to convey.”

Using such ego-detached communication poses the issue as a problem for joint deliberation and exploration without arousing an ego-defensive response in the fiancé.  Thus, she is now able to respond in an ego-detached rather than ego-defensive manner.  She might come back with one or more of the following:

1. “I too was wondering what they were thinking.”
2. “They did have some negative experiences in the recent past with people from your profession, but they have told me how different you are.  I may need to make sure they tell you that person-to-person.”

What do you think?  With this exchange - will the rest of their day be positive or negative?