Ten Sure Ways to Give Up Control Over Your Life and Your Future

By Dr. Russ

A basic human, psychological drive is to be or at least perceive that we are in control of our lives and our future.  But, without realizing it, many of us relinquish that control and then find our lives and future without direction.  We lose our optimism and become overwhelmed with pessimism as we feel we are at the mercy of the ebb and flow of the daily positive and negative events and circumstances that we experience daily.

Here are ten common ways we relinquish that sense of control. 

1.     Making excuses: Making an excuse only diminishes self-worth.  We make the excuse to protect the ego.  But only a weak ego needs protection.  A strong ego admits to needing to make improvements not excuses.

2.     Trying to control what we cannot control:  There is much in life we do not control including the weather, our genetic endowment, what other’s think of us, whether someone will listen to us, how much time is in a day, and who gets elected to office.  The more we focus on controlling the uncontrollable, the more we become frustrated, disillusioned and full of despair.

3.     Leaving the outcome to chance or luck: Luck and chance are the best friends of helpless and hopeless.  When we give up the option to try to control what we can control we give free reign to pessimism.

4.     Avoiding risk taking in order to protect the ego:  Risk is necessary for any self improvement.  The Olympic skier must risk falling--even injury--by going faster and making sharper turns in order to improve in skill.  Every time we push ourselves to try a harder goal there is a risk of failure and embarrassment, but without more challenging goals little or no improvement can be made.

5.     Believing that abilities are static and cannot be improved: Those cultures that routinely teach their children that they can get smarter if they work harder have children who score higher on standardized tests of achievement and intelligence.  Pessimism flows when efforts to make self improvements are held back by beliefs that the possible is impossible.

6.     Fearing failure:  Every failure is an opportunity to learn and nothing more.  Avoiding effort in order to avoid failing only limits the multitude of learning opportunities in life every moment of every day.

7.     Fearing success:  We fear success when we are afraid that we might fail after the success.  When success is perceived as a pedestal for self idolization it leads to avoidance of effort for fear that to be “king of the mountain” is temporary; better to never be on top than to be knocked off and have to try again. 

8.     Avoiding seeking help for fear of looking incompetent: A strong ego is externally focused on the task or goal accomplishment, and getting needed help is a strategy for accomplishment.  The weak or pessimistic ego is internally focused on maintaining the self-image that the ego is strong and needs no help.

9.     Allowing a state of apathy to be the norm:  Apathy is the favorite junk food of the pessimistic thought.  Apathy keeps us in the mind set of the couch potato, letting life go by while sitting in a recliner watching the action, never making it or participating in it while ordering up another bowl of chips or pretzels.

10.  Focusing solely on the outcome:  We do not control outcomes.  We do not control whether or not we get a job or pass a test.  We only control the effort we make to do anything.  An outcome focus is the McDonald’s play land of pessimism.  There are lots of colored balls labeled “Success” and “Failure” that allow us to romp at will in never-get-anywhere land.  Unless we focus on progress and process, we stagnate on one outcome at a time in the constant frustration of never feeling in-control of anything in life.  

If you have been feeling down and out, less happy, lonely, and less productive, perhaps it is time for you to examine how you have let what you can control slip from your former solid grip on life.  Use the above ten ideas and complete a self-examination; then work to regain control over what you so easily gave up. 

Make a comment and let us know what you find out and how you are working to make self-improvements.

Ten Holy Week Tips to Let Go of Ego in a Moment or Two

By Dr. Russ

Throughout his ministry, Jesus, proclaimed over and over that new life was possible here on earth if we let go of our worldly, ego concerns, and follow Him.  What does it mean to follow Him? 

• Think of yourself as a servant to others;
• Put the needs of others above your own;
• Find your personal cross to bear in service of making the lives of other’s better.

Please bear with me as I wax a little “utopian.”

• Imagine a world in which everyone was trying to put the other and not themselves first.  We would all then be first because as we hold everyone else up, we are mutually supported as well.  We no longer have to worry about, “what will happen to me,” because everyone has “our back” just as we have theirs.

Such a world may seem impossible, but in my opinion, such a vision is what Jesus meant when He said we could have the “Kingdom of Heaven” here on earth. 

As we celebrate Holy Week, I offer these ten tips to move your life in the direction that vision of the “Kingdom” here on earth.

1. Take time away from others for meditation and self-reflection about how ego concerns are playing out in your life. 
2. Ask yourself, “What is important about these concerns?”  You will often find some specific or general sense of low esteem driving the concern.  The ego is feeling low and weak and looks for an artificial way to build itself up with worldly concerns.
3. The hardest place to let go of ego concerns is within a relationship when we spend more time worrying about whether the other is or is not meeting our needs as opposed to what we are doing to meet theirs.
4. Make a list of 3-5 actions you can take to please another today.
5. No matter how simple or mundane you think your job is, think about you can redefine it as contributing to a higher cause, outside yourself.
6. Turn your ego concerns over to God.  Put your trust in Him and He will keep the ego protected.
7. Once you turn your ego over to God, you are free to think creatively and without inhibition of fear of risk taking.
8. Everyone was expecting the Messiah to come with a conquering sword, someone who would save and protect them.  God sent Jesus with only one sword, eternal love.  God and Jesus were telling us that we didn’t need a sword dripping in blood to protect our ego.  They told as that we didn’t need that kind of protection because if we had faith in Jesus and followed in His loving footsteps, ego concerns simply drift away like a thick fog that burns off by noon under the brightness of the Son.
9. As you give a daily prayer of thanks to God for His love and forgiveness, note how your ego protective concerns just fade into the background.
10. If you find yourself intolerant and unaccepting of another or others, in any given moment, time to step back and ask, “What about this person, who is different from me, is threatening my ego?”   Acceptance and tolerance can only come from an ego that is rich in the spirit of concern for the welfare of others above oneself.

Pessimism Comes from Within

Pessimism is a problem because we make it so.

Pessimism is powerful and all around us, but from where does it come.   We argue that the source of pessimism comes from within.  The source is an illogical mindset that draws false negative conclusions about everyday circumstances that get blown out of proportion by an irrational fear of failure, catastrophic happenings and consequences.

Life gives us plenty of problems to solve everyday, and while we do not need any more, we learned from the last section that we seem to create our own set of additional problems based on the pessimistic view we take of them. 

God did not make us pessimistic, and neither did our parents, the government, Martians, the crook who cheated us out of our life savings, Muammar Gaddafi, or the Al-Qaeda pilots who flew the jetliners into the Towers.  We are the cause of our own pessimism and we have created so much of it that we have made it pervasive and powerful, giving it the potential for control over all aspects of our lives.

How do we cause our own pessimism?  Here are ten common ways we make ourselves pessimistic:

1.     Making excuses: Making an excuse only diminishes self-worth.  We make the excuse to protect the ego.  But only a weak ego needs protection.  A strong ego admits to needing to make improvements not excuses.

2.     Trying to control what we cannot control:  There is much in life we do not control including the weather, our genetic endowment, what other’s think of us, whether someone will listen to us, how much time is in a day, and who gets elected to office.  The more we focus on controlling the uncontrollable, the more we become frustrated, disillusioned and full of despair.

3.     Leaving the outcome to chance or luck: Luck and chance are the best friends of helpless and hopeless.  When we give up the option to try to control what we can control we give free reign to pessimism.

4.     Avoiding risk taking in order to protect the ego:  Risk is necessary for any self improvement.  The Olympic skier must risk falling--even injury--by going faster and making sharper turns in order to improve in skill.  Every time we push ourselves to try a harder goal there is a risk of failure and embarrassment, but without more challenging goals little or no improvement can be made.

5.     Believing that abilities are static and cannot be improved: Those cultures that routinely teach their children that they can get smarter if they work harder have children who score higher on standardized tests of achievement and intelligence.  Pessimism flows when efforts to make self improvements are held back by beliefs that the possible is impossible.

6.     Fearing failure:  Every failure is an opportunity to learn and nothing more.  Avoiding effort in order to avoid failing only limits the multitude of learning opportunities in life every moment of every day.

7.     Fearing success:  We fear success when we are afraid that we might fail after the success.  When success is perceived as a pedestal for self idolization it leads to avoidance of effort for fear that to be “king of the mountain” is temporary; better to never be on top than to be knocked off and have to try again. 

8.     Avoiding seeking help for fear of looking incompetent: A strong ego is externally focused on the task or goal accomplishment, and getting needed help is a strategy for accomplishment.  The weak or pessimistic ego is internally focused on maintaining the self-image that the ego is strong and needs no help.

9.     Allowing a state of apathy to be the norm:  Apathy is the favorite junk food of the pessimistic thought.  Apathy keeps us in the mind set of the couch potato, letting life go by while sitting in a recliner watching the action, never making it or participating in it while ordering up another bowl of chips or pretzels.

10.  Focusing solely on the outcome:  We do not control outcomes.  We do not control whether or not we get a job or pass a test.  We only control the effort we make to do anything.  An outcome focus is the McDonald’s play land of pessimism.  There are lots of colored balls labeled “Success” and “Failure” that allow us to romp at will in never-get-anywhere land.  Unless we focus on progress and process we stagnate on one outcome at a time in the constant frustration of never feeling in-control of anything in life.  

The Pernicious Power of Pessimism

If so many people are looking for more optimism, then why are they wallowing in pessimism?  Pessimism is a state of hopelessness and helplessness, of negative expectations.  We ask, why would anyone choose to stay in a state of pessimism?  But, that is exactly what millions of individuals do everyday. So we ask, what is the holding power of pessimism over people?  Why can’t we just shrug off a negative thought in a moment?  What keeps us stuck on it for so long?

According to psychologist Martin Covington, pessimism is empowered by a set of interrelated beliefs that underlie a psychological mindset of self for the purpose of ego protection.  In this mindset, a person says to himself:

• If I expect to fail, and I fail, I cannot be disappointed.
• If I expect to fail, and I succeed, I am pleasantly surprised.
• If I predict the worst case scenario and it happens, I am neither surprised nor disappointed.
• If the worst case scenario does not happen, I am neither disappointed nor surprised, and instead satisfied with the thought that one can never be too careful.

What is the problem with this pessimistic mindset?  When we have such negative expectations, the possibility and probability of success is diminished increasing the likelihood that we will fail because we just do not put forth the same effort associated with a positive expectation.  This negative mindset is based on the assumption that it is better to have never tried than to have tried and failed; even worse would be trying and failing a second time or over and over.  The underlying belief here is that failure is damaging to the ego and self-worth.  Simply put, if we do not try, our ego is protected and there is no real risk of failure. 

Thus, while negative expectations are counterproductive to success, they may serve to protect an ego that is fraught with the fear of failure.  Psychologist Carol Dweck has found that from an early age, children are taught at home and school that self-worth is associated with either having high ability, or avoiding the appearance of having low ability.  Children who consistently find their name at the top of the spelling chart learn they are more worthy than those in the middle or the bottom.  Students in the middle or bottom work hard to manage the impression that they are not stupid. The simplest way to accomplish that goal, is to deny having tried.

Children who are told, “Oh you are good at reading or writing or arithmetic" come to view their self-worth as an entity composed of various abilities.  This entity view of self-worth, according to Dweck, fosters fear of failure precisely because one does not want to lose the entity, and any failure or perceived failure is a threat to the entity.

A life built on the entity view of self-worth, is one that is lived with constant anxiety that worth can be diminished, lost, or even stolen.  Even those born with superior talent in math, athletics, music, or political skill find themselves expending extraordinary energy to protect the entity. 

The best protectors of the entity are the pessimistic mental guards always looking out for a threat to the entity.  Risk taking, challenges, and opportunities are all perceived threats because anyone of them could lead to failure and a diminished entity.  Thus, pessimism draws its extraordinary power from its perceived role to protect the entity view of self-worth.

Memorial Day Optimism: Remembrance and Looking Forward

Check out this Memorial Day podcast from Jackie Monroe and Dr. Russ (see below).

Memorial Day is one of those holidays that is both very serious and fun at the same time.  On the optimism of fun side, this weekend ushers in the beginning of those lazy, hazy days of summer.  On the serious side of optimism, the holiday was established to honor those who have willingly made the ultimate sacrifice for country. 

Optimism comes from remembering those who gave their lives in service to others; who knew their self-worth was most enhanced by risking and then giving their lives so others could experience liberty and happiness.  Make the remembrance that the fallen's most optimistic moment came in the moment of the ultimate sacrifice - they gave their lives for a cause more important than their own ego.

Optimism comes from looking forward to summer fun times with family and friends at the beach, on the water and at the baseball game.

In this episode, Jackie and Dr. Russ discuss the history, meaning, and importance of honoring Memorial Day, and chat about their Memorial Day Weekend memories of the past.

This Memorial Day, honor the sacrifices the fallen by....

CLICK HERE to listen!

Have a safe, fun, and reverent Memorial Day!