Optimism Generated by Acceptance

By Dr. Russ

Monday is Dr. Russ Busster Day.  Today I discuss the role that acceptance plays in helping others get more optimism in their day.  As you help others with their optimism so too does your optimism improve.  

Let’s begin by answering the question:  What are the characteristics of an accepting environment?  

I can recall and identify times in my life dating back to elementary school when I was in a very accepting environment with one other person, a small group, or an organization.  I can also remember times when I felt unaccepted in one or more of these settings.   

One of my first recollections of acceptance came from my 4^th grade teacher who actually came and sat on my lap the first day of class, put her arm around my shoulder and told me she had heard many good things about me and that she knew I was a good person and would work hard and be positive contributing member of the class.  She had my undivided attention for the rest of the year.  Contrast this experience to my third grade teacher who made it a daily and practice to yell at the class and repeatedly at certain individuals. She yelled so much she acquired the nickname “Miss Monster.”

What were the effects of these contrasting environments?  In the fourth grade, I felt motivated to work hard and do my best.  I felt like I could freely express ideas and take risks of expressing my opinions even if there might be disagreement.  It was OK to make a mistake and be wrong.  I looked forward to going to school everyday and seemed free of worry and anxiety. 

In third grade, we lived in fear of being yelled at; afraid to make a mistake or explore ideas.  It was hard to complete work for fear of how it might be graded.  I had a constant pit of anxiety in my stomach.

Acceptance “Bussters”

Here are five key factors necessary for a climate of acceptance.  I take the five letters from the word ACCEPT to provide a handy tool for concept generation and for remembering these five ideas.

A – Allow for the free expression of ideas without fear of rebuke or retribution.  There are no stupid questions or answers.

C – Be comforting and comfortable, both psychologically and physically. If the setting is perceived as psychologically and physically comfortable people in that space will feel relaxed and able to tap into their creative, inspirational and most motivated selves at will.  

C – Correction is characterized by a constant desire to improve through self-correction and self-righting with an openness to constructive criticism from trusted colleagues and mentors.

E – Evaluation. The key here is to take a non-evaluative and non-judgmental stance.  Language is both descriptive and tentative and always respects the intrinsic worth of the other.  Instead of saying, “That idea is bad,” say instead, “I wonder how that idea will stand up under these circumstances," or “I am just wondering if we did that and such and such happens, what would happen then?”

P – Perfection is sought as an ideal, but imperfection is celebrated day-to-day as the only way to keep making improvements and progress towards that ideal.

T – Trust is established through the creation of a shared belief that everyone is valued and each person strives daily to show others how they are valued in the group or organization.  Expressions of value are contained in simple a simple “thank you,” “nice job,” “I really liked your comments today,” “I really like it when you . . .”

Now, think of your relationships with friends, family, church, and the workplace and think of just a few ideas that you could implement to increase a climate of acceptance in those relationships and settings.  Now, get started improving another's optimism!!!!

Optimistic Criticism using Respectful Communication

By Dr. Russ,

Is it possible to criticize others and at the same time improve their optimism?

• Recently I heard about a local theater company that employs both professional and amateur actors that actually invited the public to come in and offer critical feedback about an upcoming play for several performances before opening night.  The audience gets to see the play for free or significantly reduced price for a period of five preliminary performances.  After each performance, the lights come on, the cast comes on stage, and the audience is involved in a no holds barred critique of the play, players and their performances.  Before the next performance the Director and cast get together to discuss the feedback, make changes, rehearse the changes and perform the next night.  This procedure is repeated for 5 days and nights in a row to perfect the play and performance.  By opening night it is much improved.

At the end of this corrective process, do you think the cast has more or less confidence in the quality of the show and their ability to deliver a quality performance?  I hope you answered MORE because a state of optimism is enhanced when we seek feedback that results in improved skill, ability, and performance.

What are the key features of the above example that make the criticism - optimism enhancing?

1. The cast invited the feedback.
2. The audience members knew they would be asked to give critical feedback.
3. If the feedback was unclear, a cast member could ask for an example or clarification to make it more specific and focused on a strategy to improve.
4. The cast received the feedback, but was in control of what adjustments they could make.
5. The cast got to do it over and over before “opening night.” They became "do-over-ers."

Optimism can be improved with criticism only if it is delivered in a manner which focuses the individual on specific ideas and steps to be taken to improve the task or performance. 

• If the criticism leads the individual to feel attacked, ego threatened, and without any specific idea about how to improve, it will more than likely result in a hopeless/helpless feeling and a moment or more of pessimism.

Guidelines for Enhancing Optimism with Positive and Corrective Feedback

1. Make sure the receiver is ready to receive the feedback.  Do not blindside them with even the most carefully worded constructive criticism until they ask for feedback or you get their permission to offer it up.  The “players” above asked for it.  You can easily say to someone who hasn’t asked: “I had some ideas about how you could improve X.  I’m wondering if and when would be a good time for me the share those with you."
2. Always start with positive.  No matter how prepared the individual is for the feedback, always begin with a specifically worded positive: “I really liked your enthusiasm and energy level that you displayed.”
3. Avoid generalizations, particularly ones that label the person or character in a negative way such as “your behavior was unprofessional.”  Instead be specific: “When you told that joke about the difference between the sexes, some people may have thought you were biased against women.”
4. Use tentative language:  “When you told that joke about the differences between the sexes, I was wondering if it might be a possibility that some people . . . “
5. Invite and be open to some joint problem solving:
   

•  “I liked the message of the story, but I am wondering if there is a different way to tell it so as to eliminate any possible interpretation of bias."

In Summary:

1. Ensure readiness to receive the criticism,

2. Start with a positive,

3. Be specific and give examples,

4. Be tentative in delivery, and

5. Engage in joint problem solving to make improvements. 

All five steps are necessary if the critical feedback is to result in enhanced optimism, I NOW know how and what to do to make changes for self improvement,” and positive behavior change.