Even Optimists have Difficulty Making a Change

Today I ponder the problem:

▪    What keeps us from taking the first, even the tiniest, step towards making a change for self-improvement?

▪    What keeps us in that hopeless/helpless state when we know that making such a change could mean living longer with a higher quality of life?

An Example from Cancer Survivors

Who can feel more helpless and hopeless than someone who has been diagnosed with cancer?

We now know that there are many lifestyle changes that can be made to help reduce the chance of a cancer diagnosis.

However, never getting cancer or catching it early requires taking proactive action when one feels fine and has no symptoms.

What kinds of behaviors are we talking about? 

▪    Quit smoking, lose weight, reduce body fat, eat less sugar, use sun screen, get regular check-ups including mammograms, a PSA test, and a colonoscopy.

When others suggest that we take these actions we often find ourselves resistant.  When we tell ourselves to take these actions we often procrastinate and find some excuse not to complete the plan.

Fear and Avoidance

Why don’t individuals get a recommended mammogram, PSA test, or colonoscopy?

I find two common answers to the above query: Too afraid! Or, too busy!

They are afraid of being diagnosed with cancer and facing death, surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, pain, hair loss, etc., etc.

Individuals find themselves too busy to take time off from work, family obligations, and their own personal schedule. All too often I hear:

▪    “I can’t take time off from work to get these medical tests.

▪    "I don’t have an hour a day in my schedule to exercise"

▪    "Quitting smoking and losing weight are just hard and time consuming.”

First Steps to Positive Behavior Change

1.  Make a grand symbolic gesture.  Cut off a six inch braid of hair to be donated to make wigs for children undergoing cancer treatment.  Such a gesture sets up confidence and commitment to self:  “If I can cut off my hair for cancer, I can certainly get an annual Pap smear.”

2. Do it for your brother of sister.   Most of us have lost someone we know and love to cancer, a family member or friend.  If you can’t make a change for yourself, then make one on behalf of the loved one.

3. Help another.  If a friend or loved one is not making a needed change, how responsible are you for helping them.  I say it is so important that it is worth nagging them even if it risks straining the relationship. Let them know that is how much you care about them.

4. Be a nag.  Forty years ago, my best friend who lost a father and grandfather to lung cancer nagged me for a year to quit smoking.  It worked. I quit at the age of twenty-five and am thankful to this day for her commitment to being a “caring nag.”  And, our friendship got stronger.

5. Accept and invite the nagging.  I never resented the nagging. Knew my friend had my best interest at heart. Just got tired of it and decided it was easier to quit than be nagged.

6. "Get a foot in the door."  Start small; not ready to start an exercise program or new diet - then read about them.  Go visit a gym and observe.  Try one aerobics class.

Father's Day Advice

By Dr. Russ,

Recently, I came across a letter my dad had written to me upon the occasion my 18th birthday.  The letter contains some classic advice that every son should get from their father.  It is both optimistic and full of a father's wisdom.  Here it is in its entirety. 

Dear Russ,

Congratulations and best wishes on your 18^th birthday – Please indulge me a few comments in the way of advice.

Remember always that you have a long, full life ahead of you and you are now pretty much in control of your future and success.  As you proceed through college, you will be faced with many trying situations and decisions. 

Always think carefully before making a final decision – not just of its immediate effect – but of the long term result. 

Always stick doggedly to your major “goal” – and let nothing deter you from its fulfillment.

I know you have had much advice and will no doubt get much more, but let no one sway you from your immediate goal – education!

Then and only then can you begin to become independent in your own right.  

Independence is not just freedom from parental direction and guidance, but full freedom to guide your own destiny in this complicated world of ours.

Follow this educational plan you have laid out for yourself, expose yourself to as many different people both men and women who can help you on your way, and you will come closer, faster to that elusive goal of “finding yourself” and your place in life,

Perhaps during this Christmas vacation you can help me influence your younger brother towards a more mature attitude towards his studies and learning how to get the most out of his study time. 

Your brother looks to you, you know, as a guide to his life.  So you must also remember that whatever you do may well influence others whether you want it to or not.

The mark of a man in this world is his ability to accept this complete responsibility of life as it affects others as well as himself.

Love Your Devoted Dad

Have You Fallen into a "Bucket-of-Negativity?"

By Dr. Russ,

Sometimes we let the “bucket-of-negativity” consume us such that everything we look at is dark and gray.  In order to maintain optimism it is important to be able to avoid the “negativity bucket.” 

The best way to avoid the trap of this bucket to is to carefully differentiate one negative from another.  This way any negative simply fills a thimble, not a bucket.

What is the “Bucket-of-Negativity”?

A “Bucket-of-Negativity” is one that is full of pessimistic thoughts.

Pessimism is a belief about hopelessness and helplessness.  A “Bucket” fills with negative thoughts when we make a false generalization from one negative thought to conclude that our lives are negative and will continue to be so.

Hopeless and helpless beliefs convey “I can’t or I don’t know how to.”  Furthermore these statements have a certain permanency about them, i.e., “can’t now nor in the future.” 

When one does not see a way or strategy to accomplish a goal, one usually gives up or remains stuck in that negative situation – the bucket begins to fill.

A “Bucket-of-Negativity” is full of feelings.

Sadness is a feeling, an emotion.  I think because we describe feelings with words it becomes easy to confuse them with thoughts.  Feelings, unlike beliefs, involve some level of emotional arousal such as the “fight of flight” response or tears flowing freely from ducts in the eyes. Sometimes we can mistakenly label a state of arousal as in “tears of joy,” versus “tears of grief.”

Sometimes I hear someone misuse the “feeling” word and say, “I feel hopeless or helpless about such and such,” instead of saying, “I believe such and such is hopeless.”  Such individuals have misconstrued the meaning of a feeling. 

If we come to believe that, “I feel, therefore I am”, instead of “I think therefore I am,” we set ourselves up for a full ‘bucket-of-negative.”  We can learn to control our thoughts.  If we learn and accept that thoughts trigger feelings, we can learn to control feelings and keep the “bucket” empty. 

But if we let ourselves become awash in “uncontrollable” feelings the “Bucket” fills quickly and we can fall in.

Beliefs about hopelessness and helplessness are independent of feelings. 

I can feel sad about the passing of my pet without experiencing thoughts of despair, that life will never be the same without her, can’t cope. 

Instead, I can believe that life will be different, focus on the many good and happy times that the pet brought to my life, and perhaps look forward to getting another one.  I might find that living day-to-day life, for awhile anyway, without the encumbrance of tending to an animal’s needs is one less burden to bear right now.

I can believe that a situation is hopeless in that I know I cannot control it, cannot make what I would like to see happen actually happen. 

But, I do not have to cancel my picnic even when I know it is going to rain.  I can move the picnic inside, and still enjoy the camaraderie of family and friends.

Keep Your “Bucket of Negativity” empty by discerning thoughts from feelings.

One negative thought barely fills a thimble.  Negative feelings tend to flow unabated without the governor of thoughts.  The “Bucket” will fill.

Learn to differentiate thoughts from feelings.  Keep from generalizing from one negative thought to another.  Use your thoughts to keep your feelings contained to a “thimble-full” of emotion.  Put each thought into a different thimble.

Learn Optimism from these D-Day Soldiers

By Dr. Russ,

Today we celebrate D-Day, June 6, 1944, when we began the WWII invasion of Europe at Normandy in order to defeat Hitler.  Thousands of soldiers died that day as they came ashore, but some made it through and established the initial beachhead making it safer for others to follow with hope and optimism. Some like Dick Winters and the Band of Brothers parachuted into France behind enemy lines on this day.

How does a soldier face the abject fear of death and still move forward with with a self-confidence, skill and purpose to try to defeat the enemy? Stephen Ambrose author of Citizen Soldier and Band of Brothers offers some insightful words about some psychological mechanisms that kept these soldiers alive and well with a positive attitude.

Learn More Optimism from these D-Day Soldiers

1. “Altruistic” beliefs take the focus off of fear for oneself placing it outside the self to a “Cause Beyond Oneself.”

• “Civil War Soldiers fought for cause and country even more than they fought for comrades.” (Citizen Soldier, p. 14).

• Although not as openly demonstrative WWII GI’s – “Also knew they were fighting for decency and democracy and proud of it and motivated by it.” (Citizen Soldier, p.14).

2. “Altruistic” beliefs focused on the welfare of the immediate small group, teammates or comrades, may serve as an even a stronger motivator to face the fear of death and fight for the guy standing next to you.

• Easy Company GIs – “asked how they survived and won – point to unit cohesion, teamwork, the development of a sense of family in the squad and platoon.” (Band of Brothers, p. 16)

• “They were idealists eager to merge themselves into a group fighting for a cause, actively seeking an outfit with which they could identify, join, be part of, relate to as a family.” (Band of Brothers, p. 16)

3. The key role of “Anticipation” is seen in the following accounts of Easy Company survivors.

• “Richard Winters experienced a realization that doing his best was a better way of getting through the Army than hanging around with the sad excuses for soldiers they met in the recruiting depots of basic training . . .wanted to make . . .army time positive, a learning, maturing, challenging experience”. (Band of Brothers, p. 16)

• “. . . going into combat, did not want to go in with poorly trained, poorly conditioned, poorly motivated draftees on either side of them. (Band of Brothers, p. 16)

• “Choosing between being a paratrooper spearheading the offensive, and an ordinary infantryman who could not trust the guy next to him, they decided the greater risk was with the infantry.” (Band of Brothers, p. 16)

4. The ability to use “Suppression” and postpone their impulse “to run” in the face of “abject fear” was forged in these “childhood survivors” of the “Great Depression.”

• “Children of the great depression . . . came out with many positive features . . . self-reliant, accustomed to hard work, taking orders. Through sports . . . hunting . . . gained a sense of self-worth and self-confidence.”(Band of Brothers, p. 17)

• “They resented having to sacrifice years of their youth to a war they never made . . . wanted to throw baseballs not grenades, shoot a .22 rifle, not an M-1 . . . having been caught up in the war, they decided to be as positive as possible in their army careers.” (Band of Brothers, p. 17)

Find More Optimism with Kindness

By Dr. Russ

Psychological research consistently indicates that performing an act of kindness for someone improves both the givers and the receiver's sense of OPTIMISM.  Here are eight tips for getting more moment-to-moment optimism by acting kind towards another.  Specific tips are given in the form of quotes about being kind from famous individuals.

Eight Ways to Find More Optimism with Kindness

1. Help and Compassion of Kindness

• Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up.  ~Jesse Jackson

• If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.  ~Dalai Lama

• Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

2. Small Acts Matter

• A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives roses.  ~Chinese Proverb

• During my second year of nursing school our professor gave us a quiz.  I breezed through the questions until I read the last one:  "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"  Surely this was a joke.  I had seen the cleaning woman several times, but how would I know her name?  I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.  Before the class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our grade.  "Absolutely," the professor said.  "In your careers, you will meet many people.  All are significant.  They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."  I've never forgotten that lesson.  I also learned her name was Dorothy.  ~Joann C. Jones

3. Need for Kindness

• Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something.  ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

• How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong.  Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.  ~George Washington Carver

4. Life Without Kindness

• If those who owe us nothing gave us nothing, how poor we would be.  ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

• By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.  ~Winston Churchill

• One man cannot hold another man down in the ditch without remaining down in the ditch with him.  ~Booker T. Washington

5. No Thanks Required

• You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.  ~John Wooden

• The best portion of a good man's life - his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.  ~William Wordsworth

6. Humorous

• If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.  ~Bob Hope

7. Pass it ON

• Have you had a kindness shown;

         Pass it on;

         'Twas not given for thee alone,

         Pass it on;

         Let it travel down the years,

         Let it wipe another's tears,

        'Til in Heaven the deed appears -

        Pass it on.

~Henry Burton, Pass It On